Yahoo! 360° - Sile this Millennium's Blog

Yahoo! 360° - Sile this Millennium's Blog

Entry for May 04, 2008 - On May Sunday for the my net-friend in Paradise`s Blog

Collage:

Morning Exercise
	see more Guan ZeJu paintings Pssst! Hey You! Yeah You! Do you know Jesus?

Many of us have forgotten how to pray. Why? Many of us were never taught how easy it really is to pray. Prayer is simply talking to God and listening for an answer. Listening for an answer is crucial. Why? Because God has much to say to us.

Should I Seek Out A Needy Child Or Will One Naturally Come To Us?

The Meaning Of Life Is A Life Of Meaning, But What Is The Meaning?

I Have Lost My Faith In The Church But Haven’t Lost My Faith In God
April 24th, 2008

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"Dear God,

I pray because I’m lost.

I am from a small Aussie town. I went to boarding school as a child where, after a few years, began to be sexually abused by a teacher. I mentally tortured myself and wanted to die for years but finally told my family who will do anything to help me. I don’t know if I was confused before, but ever since the abuse I have been in a sexuality crisis. Now I am 25 and don’t know what or who am I am and live in constant guilt that if I was to go one way, I will be going against God. I have lost my faith in the church but haven’t lost my faith in God. I don’t think the Church and its institutions represent God and this is my only comfort. I research the Church and sexuality and the hypocrisy and arguments only fuel my confusion and anger. I try and rationalise how I feel but nothing helps. I take massive amounts of anti-depressants and sleeping tablets every night and then every day, stroll into work like nothing’s wrong.

Only a few of my closest friends know all of this and I want to run away to another country and start again. Sometimes I wonder if God did all this to test me, to see what sort of man I could become and to test my strength. Sometimes I think everything I’m doing is against God and my life will be judged severely. I moved to the city after boarding school where I felt no one would know me or judge me. I work in a very liberal industry but this doesn’t seem to bring me comfort.

I want to return home and help my Dad in the family business but feel that I would bring shame on the family if I did eventually decide that I was gay not straight. Everyone in town probably thinks it anyway so am I really saving anyone any embarrassment by living away? My family knows that I’m really confused and am struggling and are totally supportive. I just don’t want to embarrass them in a fundamentalist Christian town where everyone would judge my family and I. I loathe the thought of my very proud and traditional school finding out everything and thinking I am the one to blame or that I am an embarrassment to them. Even if they don’t know about the abuse, I hate the thought of all the other students finding out and taking delight in knowing their taunts of ‘faggot’ were accurate. I feel I’ve lost connection with my hometown because of all this and I feel I have no home and forever am lost and transient.

I wonder if the confusion, pain and problems will ever go away or whether I will end up sad, alone and angry. Am I being self absorbed and spoilt? Or do you feel my prayers are needed? I feel I can’t trust the church or its interpretations of Jesus. I feel like I am a disappointment in the Church’s eyes but hope, whomever I become, I won’t be a disappointment to Jesus. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could just stand up, grow up and get over it. It doesn’t seem that easy though. Please hear my prayers and guide me."

J - Australia